so tired...

i'm spending this post whining and griping... just because i can, because i want to.. this is my outlet, isn't it?

im just tired, so tired, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually... sick of having to keep a brave face, be the cheerleader and all the time, feel unappreciated and on top of all that, get blamed for everything... working hard and long and still feel like im not achieving anything, slogging away and still feel like im not up to scratch... i justify to myself that im just barely surviving and that's why im not meeting my mark... then im pissed off that im justifying myself, then thinking i don't care what people think but knowing that i really do...

ugh, just reading this back to myself, im so annoyed for sounding like such a whiny child... if someone were to spill all this on me, i'd tell her to step back, take a break and look to see that everything she's doing builds her character and surviving this would be to her advantage... i'd think of some wise old statement that sounds full of experience and logic and slowly soothe her with it... then come up with some encouraging, uplifting quote or anecdote to make her smile and relax... but it's almost impossible to do with myself... but i know me... i know il be ok... i know i can talk myself back to calm rationality... i know i can calm myself down and face another day... i know i can wake up tomorrow and smile at the hundreds of customers who il be serving and make jokes with the staff who'll be working with me. but for now, i just want to whine whine whine... i even wish i could cry, that would actually help but it's not even that bad... so i feel like im in limbo... or am i past tears... that sucks...

but speaking of talking to people... why do i enjoy imparting my "wisdom"? i guess it's cos i've seen the look in people's eyes when i get through... there is spark of hope through the sadness or a light that switches on when something i said made sense.... there's a sense of achievement that my instinct led me to the right story or right words... like i was a part of the healing process and when that person becomes better or made better choices... i feel validated... once in a while, someone thanks me or acknowledges that i said something that made them think or felt better... how that makes me feel goes without saying...

so, in conclusion... i just made myself feel better after offloading... and i realised that i should definitely consider pursuing counselling as an option for a career... throughout my life, i seem to be drawn to it and the feeling i get from it... at least i have a direction and a new goal now... now it's time for planning and research...

<sigh> now i can sleep...