I Dreamt of Abuse

I dreamt of it last night... I don't know if it was because I was in Holy Trinity, which was a big part of that whole period but I dreamt of it... I woke up feeling quite upset and I didn't wake up suddenly, it was a slow opening and a sudden feeling of sadness, remembering the dream...

Speaking of which, il just try and note down bits of the dream before I forget...

I seemed to be living in a small apartment alone... It looked a lot like a hotel room but it definitely felt like i had lived there for a while... i knew my neighbours, who were always hanging out in my room, who were, as usual, way younger than i am.. i also seemed to have the habit of forgetting my keys but it appeared that i didnt usually lock my door either...

anyways, one night i get home and i had forgotten my keys again, but suddenly i notice that the door had been pushed off its hinges... and just like in all horror movies, i entered the room, instead of running for my life.. i look around and nothing appeared to be missing or tossed about.. i pick up my cordless to dial 911 (which means i wasnt in SG, who knows where i was) and it took ages for someone to answer.. in the meantime, im backing up around the room and realise that there's someone taking a shower in the toilet... and as the phone connects to the popo, he comes out, laughed at my efforts to call the police and knocks the phone out of my hands... i dont remember his face, thank God! i only remember the feeling of terror and of being terrorised... he was smiling at me and i was trying to ask him to get out and leave me alone... after that, it was a bit of a blur.. i dont recall any actual physical abuse but mostly a feeling of fear and hopelessness (which is pretty much how i remember my own real experience).. i remember a lot of crying and at some point, he was trying to make me join him on the bed, but i was refusing and slept on the floor on a makeshift bed made of the comforter and blankets..then i reached a point where i had no choice and then i reached acceptance...

the next morning, one of my neighbours, knocked on my door, for some reason, i had ended up sleeping behind the door and when he poked his head in... i was right there.. he didnt notice the door was off its hinges, he didnt notice that i had been crying all night, he made a vague reference to some noise he heard during the night but he was more occupied telling me about the song he had just finished writing... he read off a few verses for me, which coincidentally inspired me to stand up and face my situation then he smiled and went off...

after that, however i did not stand up and kicked the bugger out... i actually accepted that he was back in my life and made the best of the situation and built a life around it... as far as i could tell, there was no more actual abuse, but the woman i saw in the mirror was not as happy and vivacious at that point of the dream as she was at the start of it... i seemed to have accepted life the way it had turned out and didnt have the strength or energy to do anything about it...

the next bit gets a little weird and fantasctical...i think it has a lot to do with the fact that the doctor who theme is my alarm ringtone cos The Doctor appears... the three of us are in search to complete a set of rings from various planets and there's a ring im wearing that never seems to come off... like i'd remember taking off and then it's right back there on my finger... there was one part where i saw that same ring become a different one each time it landed on the dresser.. The Doctor then zapped all the rings with his sonic and they all disappeared, then declares it's time for a nap and lies on the bed beside my bf and sleeps...

the dream finally ends with another scenario (as dreams always do)... he is till around but i think we're ok.. i seemed to slip back into "normal" life, making a business for myself, a spa business, right there in the building where i live and he's there all supportive.. life appeared to have worked itself out but i wasnt happy and i think i still felt like i lived in fear or definitely the expectation of terror...

That's the feeling i woke up with this morning... and besides that bit with The Doctor (im still wondering about those rings), i was stunned by the dream...i tried to analyse why i had the dream and came up with the fact that i was in tampines where it had started, being in the church that was my haven during those difficult times probably contributed to it... i also just realised that i might not be as over what had happened to me as i thought i was...i've been thinking about shaun a lot recently and being in tampines didnt help at all... i still reiterate that i dont want him back but perhaps i have to accept that i've not fully healed from my experience and that i am afraid to try again for fear i might choose someone wrongly again...

i also fear that im getting too old, too fat, etc... that's a lot of fear...

more quotes...

so i love quotes...

"Don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it. But that its too low and we reach it - Michelangelo

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. - M Scott Peck

Don't ask God to make your life easier, ask Him to make you a stronger person.

Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it, "Shake well before using it." That is what God has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable. Vance Havner