my new d day.. july 18 2012..

Just rebooked... time to refocus and remember my way again... i can do it!!

i wish my life was a Jane Austen novel...

I Dreamt of Abuse

I dreamt of it last night... I don't know if it was because I was in Holy Trinity, which was a big part of that whole period but I dreamt of it... I woke up feeling quite upset and I didn't wake up suddenly, it was a slow opening and a sudden feeling of sadness, remembering the dream...

Speaking of which, il just try and note down bits of the dream before I forget...

I seemed to be living in a small apartment alone... It looked a lot like a hotel room but it definitely felt like i had lived there for a while... i knew my neighbours, who were always hanging out in my room, who were, as usual, way younger than i am.. i also seemed to have the habit of forgetting my keys but it appeared that i didnt usually lock my door either...

anyways, one night i get home and i had forgotten my keys again, but suddenly i notice that the door had been pushed off its hinges... and just like in all horror movies, i entered the room, instead of running for my life.. i look around and nothing appeared to be missing or tossed about.. i pick up my cordless to dial 911 (which means i wasnt in SG, who knows where i was) and it took ages for someone to answer.. in the meantime, im backing up around the room and realise that there's someone taking a shower in the toilet... and as the phone connects to the popo, he comes out, laughed at my efforts to call the police and knocks the phone out of my hands... i dont remember his face, thank God! i only remember the feeling of terror and of being terrorised... he was smiling at me and i was trying to ask him to get out and leave me alone... after that, it was a bit of a blur.. i dont recall any actual physical abuse but mostly a feeling of fear and hopelessness (which is pretty much how i remember my own real experience).. i remember a lot of crying and at some point, he was trying to make me join him on the bed, but i was refusing and slept on the floor on a makeshift bed made of the comforter and blankets..then i reached a point where i had no choice and then i reached acceptance...

the next morning, one of my neighbours, knocked on my door, for some reason, i had ended up sleeping behind the door and when he poked his head in... i was right there.. he didnt notice the door was off its hinges, he didnt notice that i had been crying all night, he made a vague reference to some noise he heard during the night but he was more occupied telling me about the song he had just finished writing... he read off a few verses for me, which coincidentally inspired me to stand up and face my situation then he smiled and went off...

after that, however i did not stand up and kicked the bugger out... i actually accepted that he was back in my life and made the best of the situation and built a life around it... as far as i could tell, there was no more actual abuse, but the woman i saw in the mirror was not as happy and vivacious at that point of the dream as she was at the start of it... i seemed to have accepted life the way it had turned out and didnt have the strength or energy to do anything about it...

the next bit gets a little weird and fantasctical...i think it has a lot to do with the fact that the doctor who theme is my alarm ringtone cos The Doctor appears... the three of us are in search to complete a set of rings from various planets and there's a ring im wearing that never seems to come off... like i'd remember taking off and then it's right back there on my finger... there was one part where i saw that same ring become a different one each time it landed on the dresser.. The Doctor then zapped all the rings with his sonic and they all disappeared, then declares it's time for a nap and lies on the bed beside my bf and sleeps...

the dream finally ends with another scenario (as dreams always do)... he is till around but i think we're ok.. i seemed to slip back into "normal" life, making a business for myself, a spa business, right there in the building where i live and he's there all supportive.. life appeared to have worked itself out but i wasnt happy and i think i still felt like i lived in fear or definitely the expectation of terror...

That's the feeling i woke up with this morning... and besides that bit with The Doctor (im still wondering about those rings), i was stunned by the dream...i tried to analyse why i had the dream and came up with the fact that i was in tampines where it had started, being in the church that was my haven during those difficult times probably contributed to it... i also just realised that i might not be as over what had happened to me as i thought i was...i've been thinking about shaun a lot recently and being in tampines didnt help at all... i still reiterate that i dont want him back but perhaps i have to accept that i've not fully healed from my experience and that i am afraid to try again for fear i might choose someone wrongly again...

i also fear that im getting too old, too fat, etc... that's a lot of fear...

more quotes...

so i love quotes...

"Don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it. But that its too low and we reach it - Michelangelo

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. - M Scott Peck

Don't ask God to make your life easier, ask Him to make you a stronger person.

Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it, "Shake well before using it." That is what God has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable. Vance Havner

my 38th birthday...

today i am thankful, i am thankful for many things... 
for my family who are like friends to me..
and for my friends who are like family to me... 
they have all made me the person i am, and i am thankful for them all...


i am thankful for all the times i have fallen.. 
i learned who i am, through the eyes of the people who stayed with me while i was down...
i am thankful for the times i have been raised up...
i learned that satisfaction of appreciation and shared it with others...


i am thankful for the joy and laughter, shared with family and friends...
they have kept me young in heart and mind, and dare i say.. body...
i am thankful for the tears, happy and sad...
they clear my soul and keep me dreaming...


i am thankful... and i pray i stay thankful through this coming year...
i pray for a lot of things but most of all, i pray for the strength to face one of my most exciting adventures...


thanks to everyone for making my birthday completely awesome...

i got my ticket!!!

so now it's official... i got my ticket last week... i fly on 15 feb 2012... now to decide what my next few steps are...

from Positive Inspirational Quotes (PIQ) on FB

‎"The minute you choose to do what you really want to do, it's a different kind of life." - Buckminster Fuller


“No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are – it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.”


"I would like to be known as an Intellgent woman, a Courageous woman, a Loving woman, a woman who teaches by being." Maya Angelou


“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”~ William James


"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." Eleanor Roosevelt


"You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script." - Oprah Winfrey


"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it." - Chinese Proverb


"Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them." - Unknown

Religion is for people afraid of going to hell, Spirituality is for people who have already been there.

"LIFE is an adventure in forgiveness." Norman Cousins
Art by ~♥~ Noetic Alchemy

"Choose being kind over being right, and you'll be right every time." - Richard Carlson

"Forgive those who insult you, attack you, belittle you or take you for granted. But more than this... forgive yourself for allowing them to hurt you.." -Unknown

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else." - Booker T. Washington

"Every moment you get is a gift. Spend it on things that matter. Don’t spend it by dwelling on unhappy things." – Unknown

"Live simply. Give more. Expect less." - Unknown

"You should save the best part of yourself for the person who deserves you." -Unknown

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." - Bob Marley

"Hurt me with the truth but, never comfort me with a lie." -Unknown

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." – Gandhi

"Sometimes when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore, but because you realize they don't." -Unknown

"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong." - Thomas Carlyle

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The healthiest response to life is joy." - Deepak Chopra

"Devote today to something so daring even you can't believe you're doing it." - Oprah Winfrey

"Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head." -Unknown

"There are things we dont want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." -Unknown

Love me when I least deserve it because this is when I really need it.

“Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” From the book "The Four Agreements," by Miguel Ruiz.

Live simply. Love generously. Kiss Slowly. Care deeply. Forgive Quickly. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.-DS

One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." -Elizabeth Kubler Ros

People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King, Jr

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -Martin Luther King, Jr

"It doesn't matter what other people think about you. The only thing that matters is that you are happy with who you are."-DS

While you're busy looking for the perfect person, you'll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy."

'I'VE LEARNED that,
1. The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
2. When you're in love, it shows.
3. Just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
4. Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
5. Being kind is more important than being right...

- Hidden Feelings

" Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." Auguste Rodin (1840 - 1917)

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

"Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you." - Wally 'Famous' Amos

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus